Are the 12-steps turning frum Yidden away from Yiddishkeit?
I came across a graph many years ago which took each of the 12 steps and showed where both the Rambam and Rabeinu Yona discussed them in the Laws of Teshuva. The second and third steps specifically describe the relationship we have with Hashem.
Believe in a higher power – Come to believe that a Power greater than oneself can restore us to sanity
Turn over will and life – Make a decision to entrust one’s will and life to the care of Gd as we understand GD.
According to Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski, zt’l, in his book The Final Mission, “Why do frum people fall into the trap of addiction and recover with the twelve steps, whereas mussar did not help them?” He answers, “when a person leaves a 12 step meeting he knows that if he gives in to addiction he will die, I doubt many people leave a mussar shmuz and feel the same way.”
n the book Teshuva Through Recovery, Rabbi Twersky laments the fact that many frum people go off the derech after attending 12 step meetings and working the steps. In chapter 22 entitled, Should One’s Yiddishkeit be affected by the twelve-step program? Rabbi Twersky states that many people go off the derech who are not in 12-step groups. “Some frum people who have joined a twelve-step program have express their disenchantment in Yiddishkeit, saying they found support in the program that was lacking in the Torah world.”
A person who goes to a twelve-step meeting finds support from the group, no matter what he’s done because everyone there is in the same boat. However, even though the Torah commands us to “Receive everyone with a cheerful demeanor” (Avos 1:15) the addict is faced with criticism from family and friends. His self-esteem is at an all time low and he feels no support or respect, despite the fact that addiction is a disease, not a moral deficiency.
I’ve even heard of SA groups in frum communities who place restrictions on who can come to meetings, which is totally opposed by the founders of the twelve-step programs. This further alienates a person who is suffering from the shame of addiction, where they can’t get help, unless they pay a therapist $350 an hour, where they are told to go to 12-step meetings.
I’ve thought about this a lot and have spoken to many people who are off the derech.
I have a different take that I would like to share with you.
The third step states, “Make a decision to entrust one’s will and life to the care of Gd as we understand GD.” As a therapist specializing in sex, porn and love addiction, I explain this step as believing that where you are today is where you’re supposed to be, what you’re doing professionally today is what you’re supposed to be doing and the amount of money you make is what you’re supposed to be making. In other words, trusting in GD that HE knows what’s best for you. Again, the Jewish concept of Bitochon. I further explain this doesn’t mean you can’t have hopes, dreams and plans to do something else or further your career. It simply means to accept the fact that where you are in life is where you’re supposed to be. You’re not living in the past, which will not change and you’re not living in the future you have no control over.
I think the reason frum people go off the derech is because of the way they interpret the third step. I entrust my will to the care of GD AS I UNDERSTAND GD. The addict becomes his/her own GD. I understand GD as quick to forgive, full of righteousness and truth, who shows favor to thousands, and forgives all types of sin. Therefore, if an addict understands GD in this way, he/she are free to do whatever they want because this is how they understand GD. And If I can make GD in my image, instead of the other way around, why do I need to be frum anymore? I make the rules now!
The fact is the rest of the twelve steps are all consistent with what Torah Judaism teaches. Remove negative character traits (Cheshbon Hanefesh), make amends (Teshuva between people), getting rid of anger and resentments and step 11 (Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with Gd as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the ability to carry that out).”
The same people who can find lots of time to drink excessively at Kiddush clubs, gamble on sports, and look at inappropriate images and videos on their cellphone for hours, cannot find time to do step 11, prayer and meditation (Kavanah). They leave the proven blueprint of the world for a few minutes and hours of fantasy, to fill up the hole in their soul, Yiddishkeit provides for those who seek it.
Allan J. Katz, LPC/CSAT