There is a common expression that we criticize others for things we do ourselves. In relationships we deceive ourselves into believing that the secret things we do, do not affect our primary relationship. Yet, according to Alex Katehakis, CEO of the Center for Healthy Sex, we hide the truth from ourselves so we can manipulate others. Lying gets easier with practice and after you lie many times and get away with it, it becomes natural. Then it becomes easier to cross the line of integrity and that deception begins to convince you it’s Ok to keep crossing the line into infidelity.
It all begins in childhood when we get caught doing something we know we aren’t supposed to do. “It wasn’t me,” “I don’t know who did it,” “If I can’t see them, they can’t see me.” When we get away with it enough times, we begin to choose what we know, but unconsciously we know we’re doing wrong.
The remedy is figuring out what you really want out of life. Love is not enough. To be successful as a couple you have to have a value system together. In other words, one of the eight stages of intimacy is sharing values, goals, dreams and beliefs. If you believe it’s not OK to lie and manipulate people and I deceive myself into believing it is OK, physical love will not be enough to keep us together. Because if I stop lying, I have to eventually face myself and I don’t know myself. I don’t want to face the truth because then I have to become vulnerable enough to let you in to my world.
Trust what your body is telling you versus your mind. Your mind will come up with all kinds of justifications, rationalizations, and excuses for why it’s OK to go against your own value system. But when your body signals you with anxiety, doubt and numbness; when you’re shaking and sweating because your partner just told you he didn’t sleep around but you have proof otherwise, trust your body and ask yourself, “What do I want out of life and this relationship?”